I’ve recently started reading The Practice by Seth Godin, and it’s really making me think.
Although, if I’m being fair, thinking isn’t exactly something I’ve been short of lately.
In fact, I’ve been thinking so much that I sometimes feel as though my head is going to explode.
I’ve got all these ideas running around in my head. Things I want to create, things I want to change, things I want to try. There’s a never-ending list of jobs needing done around the house, and somehow, instead of working through that list, I keep adding more things to it.
Let’s start a blog.
Let’s create a new social media account.
Let’s make something about this.
Or maybe I could do something with that.
And on and on it goes.
The frustrating thing is that I genuinely want to do these things. I get excited about the possibilities, at least in my head. But when it comes to actually doing them, I just can’t seem to find the energy.
It’s like my mind is running a marathon while the rest of me is sitting on the sofa wondering what on earth is going on.
Am I Just Doing the Wrong Things?
I’ve started questioning whether the problem is that I’m simply not doing the right things.
Maybe I’m putting my energy into the wrong places. Maybe I’m trying to do too much. Maybe I’m searching for something without actually knowing what it is I’m looking for.
Or maybe I’m just stuck.
I don’t really know.
Even my artwork seems to reflect this uncertainty. I know I want to create more art. I know how much it means to me. But I seem to spend more time thinking about being creative than actually creating anything.
And that’s a difficult thing to admit when being an artist is such a big part of who I am.
A Head Full of Questions
Then there’s the constant questioning of myself.
Is this just a midlife crisis?
Could it be menopause?
Could it be ADHD?
I’ve wondered about ADHD for a while, although nobody else seems to think I have it. That doesn’t stop me wondering, because from inside my own head, things can feel incredibly messy.
It’s difficult to explain what it’s like when your thoughts never seem to settle. When one idea leads to another, and another, until you don’t even remember what you were supposed to be doing in the first place.
Sometimes it’s exhausting just listening to myself think.
And I don’t suppose it helps that the house is quieter now, with Leila away at school.
I’m still getting used to being here on my own. Maybe that change has affected me more than I’ve realised.
Maybe This Blog Is a Starting Point
One thing I am pleased about is how this new blog is beginning to look.
My old WordPress blog always felt like such an effort. Even putting together one post seemed to take forever, and that took some of the enjoyment out of writing.
This one is starting to feel different.
I’m hoping that having somewhere I actually enjoy writing will make it easier to turn up, put my thoughts down and perhaps make a little sense of everything that’s going on in my head.
I’m not expecting to suddenly find all the answers.
But maybe writing things down will help me see patterns I can’t see when everything is swirling around inside my mind.
So Where Do I Go From Here?
That’s the question I keep coming back to.
How do I move forward?
How do I stop thinking about all the things I could do and actually start doing some of them?
How do I get to a place where I feel like I know what I’m doing?
I wish I had some inspiring answer to finish this post with. Some wonderful revelation from the book I’m reading, or a new plan that’s going to change everything.
But I don’t.
Right now, I’m still trying to figure it all out.
Maybe that’s okay for today.
At least I’ve managed to sit down and write something instead of just thinking about writing it.
And perhaps that’s a start.